Horrified housewife frozen in fear by butt crack arising.
Life’s journey can take you down a myriad of paths, around a couple detours, and sometimes back to where you started, but I really had no idea I was approaching the exit to the Plumber’s Butt (PB) off-ramp (where there is purportedly no return). For those who don’t know of or have never had a leaky faucet or broken pipe, plumber’s butt is the affliction where a man’s gut is bigger than his butt, and loose pants and gravity take full advantage of the disparity and worm their way down around the hips only to expose the upper two to three inches of the wearer’s butt crack. (Let me just say, it usually ain’t a pretty sight.) Because plumbers combine an inverted gut-butt ratio with bending over, the visual and the name stuck, especially after several homeowners around the country reported temporary blindness and recurring flashbacks.
Ironically, the young men of America find this style fascinating and waddle about daily like denim-ed penguins. As you age, it’s a look you try to avoid. So last week, when a friend found me in the garden hunched over pulling up weeds, and chortled, “Danger Will Robinson, Danger, approaching PB crack!” I had no idea what she was rambling on about. Then it hit me like a ton of reality-show bricks; she’s was saying I have plumber’s butt. (Lucky for her my water wand was out of reach.)
For a woman who challenges propriety in her ready-to-wear, I found her pronouncement cheeky (on every level). I continued weeding, laughed politely, pondered the cost of a security fence and tucked in my shirt. Unfortunately, my tucked-in tee was as obliged to stay put as a sprung roller shade. When I looked up, I paused and countered, “nice yoga pants.” We both laughed, and called a truce.
A week later after coming to the conclusion that plumber’s butt is the new sexy, I received a catalog from Duluth Trading Co. with a bold announcement: A Solution for Plumber’s Butt. There on the cover illustration a gobsmacked woman peered down at a bent-over (and suspect) plumber with his unsightly butt crack showing (though not in our field of vision thank goodness). Their solution is simply a long-tail T-shirt or as the catalog states it, “The three inch extra shirt body length solves the ‘rear exposure’ problem.” How awesomely simply is that and with two or more just ten dollars each, my butt crack issue is solved. Of course, I could also just exercise and eat right, but that’s a longer term solution. One I’ll address after finishing this morning’s stack of pancakes and bowl of raspberries and cream. For now, coughing up two Hamiltons can buy me (according to Duluth Trading Company) “comfort and dignity.” I wonder what their solution is for yoga pants?