Shockingly Simple Solution to Plumber’s Butt

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Horrified housewife frozen in fear by butt crack arising.

Life’s journey can take you down a myriad of paths, around a couple detours, and sometimes back to where you started, but I really had no idea I was approaching the exit to the Plumber’s Butt (PB) off-ramp (where there is purportedly no return). For those who don’t know of or have never had a leaky faucet or broken pipe, plumber’s butt is the affliction where a man’s gut is bigger than his butt, and loose pants and gravity take full advantage of the disparity and worm their way down around the hips only to expose the upper two to three inches of the wearer’s butt crack. (Let me just say, it usually ain’t a pretty sight.) Because plumbers combine an inverted gut-butt ratio with bending over, the visual and the name stuck, especially after several homeowners around the country reported temporary blindness and recurring flashbacks.

Ironically, the young men of America find this style fascinating and waddle about daily like denim-ed penguins. As you age, it’s a look you try to avoid. So last week, when a friend found me in the garden hunched over pulling up weeds, and chortled, “Danger Will Robinson, Danger, approaching PB crack!” I had no idea what she was rambling on about.  Then it hit me like a ton of reality-show bricks; she’s was saying I have plumber’s butt. (Lucky for her my water wand was out of reach.)

For a woman who challenges propriety in her ready-to-wear, I found her pronouncement cheeky (on every level). I continued weeding, laughed politely, pondered the cost of a security fence and tucked in my shirt. Unfortunately, my tucked-in tee was as obliged to stay put as a sprung roller shade. When I looked up, I paused and countered, “nice yoga pants.” We both laughed, and called a truce.

catalog

A week later after coming to the conclusion that plumber’s butt is the new sexy, I received a catalog from Duluth Trading Co. with a bold announcement: A Solution for Plumber’s Butt. There on the cover illustration a gobsmacked woman peered down at a bent-over (and suspect) plumber with his unsightly butt crack showing (though not in our field of vision thank goodness). Their solution is simply a long-tail T-shirt or as the catalog states it, “The three inch extra shirt body length solves the ‘rear exposure’ problem.” How awesomely simply is that and with two or more just ten dollars each, my butt crack issue is solved. Of course, I could also just exercise and eat right, but that’s a longer term solution. One I’ll address after finishing this morning’s stack of pancakes and bowl of raspberries and cream. For now, coughing up two Hamiltons can buy me (according to Duluth Trading Company) “comfort and dignity.” I wonder what their solution is for yoga pants?

Here’s Boz’s solution to plumber’s butt: sitting down.

26 COMMENTS

  1. Whew! I was worried, until I read the comment about yoga pants-wasn’t me! I find my blue farmer ‘jill” over-alls the height of fashion and they would take care of the PB as well. You can even buy them in formal pinstrip blue and white. Then there’s a story behind my used tan Carthart overalls donated to me yearly by a friendly neighbor Erik-his work name tag still attached to the bib. My x-boyfriend said the fateful words that make the story legendary “What are Erik’s overalls doing on your bed”! This story gets retold, attached to the reason why Erik had a broken arm at the time and unembellished causes quite a few belly laughs. I think it’s time for overalls Tom!!!

  2. I’ve ordered them for my husband…….and yes–they work. Good quality t’s, too.
    As for yoga pants-well, I haven’t found a cure for those!
    🙂

  3. Tom – this is too funny! What about suspenders? I think they might do the job – not sure if they even make suspenders anymore, but I bet you could find some at a thrift store. Thank you for a good dose of the chuckles!

  4. Tamara, did I say yoga pants, hmmm, oh my mistake… 😉

    Sue, I’ll have to order a couple for myself.
    Renae you have a point there.
    Ina, I tried suspenders but I looked like a cross between a middle-aged Todd (of Lisa Lubner SNL fame) and Erkel. All I needed was a pair of over-sized clown shoes and red wig to round out the look.

  5. lol very funny 🙂 No telling what the neighbors think when I get out in the front garden in the early morning in my jammies for my morning inspection. Inevitably I end up doing a quick bit of bent over weeding 🙂

  6. Tom, I can tell you that the crack problem in this country is at an all time high in Alabama. Even those outside the plumbing industry are falling prey to its evils…. I will confess however, to gardening out front very early in the a.m. so as not to subject any of the local genltlefolk to my own slippage…….

  7. Joumana, who knew this was a global occurrence, nice to know we’re not alone.
    And Chris, I must admit your slippage comment caused some spillage, as I was sitting down to coffee and laughing out loud to your artfully genteel, albeit hysterical, comment.

  8. Thank you for starting my day with a good laugh, Tom. Now if we can just find a solution for the thong disorder with which many young women have become afflicted. (I suppose there are those individuals who think exposed thongs are not a problem, but I think pretty much everyone should keep their pants up in public.)

  9. And yet again you’re responsible for my second laugh of the day. Finally – a solution for BC, but what about Dunlap’s Disease (the belly done lap over the belt) and please don’t say diet. It’s not a word in our vocabulary.

  10. Don’t feel too bad, Tom. There was a photo online on yahoo with Jennifer Garner having the same problem taking care of her little girl! Thanks for the belly laugh…

  11. Tom – TMI? considering the subject I considered my input a public service. Obviously we have two sides to this issue – the “crackee” and the “cracker”. ..

  12. You’re absolutely right brion, apparently tush talk is appropriate fodder for daytime TV; yesterday The Doctors had a whole episode devoted to the derriere. Your comments were mild compared to their “swamp butt” discussion.

    • brion, rest assured, a daytime TV watcher I am not, but my Mom clued me into this episode. It was airing on the east coast, so I had three hours to prepare for the unseemly subject matter.

  13. Have read this post three times in the last few days and have cracked up thoroughly every time. Thanks for reporting on this issue, Tom. Now, what’s wrong with yoga pants? I wear mine everywhere!

    • Genevieve, there is nothing wrong with yoga pants, it’s just said wearer has trouble knowing when not to wear them, accessorized at a wedding, layered in winter, worn on her head as a turban…I’m just sayin’ … 😉

  14. I love low rise jeans, they don’t rub on my belly piercing, but the style of low rise came along with the shorter belly showing shirt style too. I do not wish to show my belly or my butt crack!! It is hard to find a long enough shirt to cover everything. They make a half shirt, it look like a “tube top” for covering the plumbers butt on those low rise jeans without adding too much bulk but I do not care for the fabrics or the simple black or white colors. I think they should incorporate a tummy tucking fabric with color into their butt crack covering design 🙂

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